stay out all night because rest is for the dead.

Okay-So I'm going to not be so god damn pessimistic right now.
I have some exciting things going on.

a-I'm reading an excellent book. I love it.
b-WARPED TOUR HOLY SHIT ALL TIME LOW I AM SO EXCITED FUCK.
c-I have some days off from work
d-I have an apartment starting friday in Kzoo :)
e-things are kind of sort of looking up?
f-I'm cutting and coloring my hair next week
g-TAI is touring this fall.

I'm in a better mood. I ventured to Leonard last night with Bethany. it was a grand time, as usual. :)
Today I went shopping with Will at partridge creek. then snuck in to go see The Hangover.
Tomorrow I might be going to the beach or something of the sort with Valerie, then hanging out with Alex

I also need to clean my room and purchase things for warped.

bah, I'm so psyched.

:) times a million.

And I swear that you don't have to go.

Some things you just can't avoid. like...the winter, a bad hair day, a nightmare, a death, a crumbling relationship. They come at the worst times. like, when you want to wear a cute dress, you need a good night's rest, when you're not ready to say goodbye, and you need that person in your life the most.

a crumbling relationship is the most painful. there's a glimmer of hope in each party's eyes. you hold on to the things that person used to be, and how they cared for you. you want to believe that everything will turn out good, turn out to be a phase. make excuses for them. the phrase "one last shot" becomes repetitive and ineffective. you feel like you know that person too well for them to treat you like this. it turns out though that you're entirely wrong. the person you know, miss, care for, and love-well, they're gone. you're left there to embrace this new, ugly thing that's replaced them.

it's awful when they're stubborn. you try to tell them that they've changed. it's not the same, and what is happening is hurting you. all the lies, the nasty phrases, the gossip-they all sting worse when they lie and flat out deny it. when you try and call them out on it, they cut you down. you feel small, inferior, intimidated, doubtful, stupid. you begin to doubt your emotions. all of a sudden, you're to blame. in their eyes, you're always to blame. the words "i'm sorry" are never in their vocabulary.

they criticize you for thinking of ending things. as if saying "how dare you leave me. you need me. i'm fighting for this relationship, aren't you?" in reality, they're keeping you around for their own selfish needs. someone to take advantage of, hold their hand when they need it but hardly do the same. they're too scared to let you go, but all you need is to do that. all you want is the one thing that is impossible thing to ask-an apology. but, of course, that's too much to ask.

snow falls. people die. nightmares haunt for days.
people fall apart.
two words can save it, but you know, deep in your heart, they'll never say it.

an apology is an unnaceptable request.

I can't remember when the earth turned slowly.

this blog, apparently is just a bunch of poems now.
ah well.


Amtrack 353 Wolverine.

The light cuts through the fog.
Down the tracks, I feel the rumble of the westward bound liner.
I need to say goodbye.

It’s drizzling. Cold and grey.
My black boots are getting wet.
I begin to shiver.
You move closer and try to hold me under your big black umbrella.

My eyes begin to flood.
Breath shortens, you lift my chin
Look at me
Your eyes are sparkling, gentle

You whisper in my ear “I’ll miss you”
I smile gently, I’ll miss you too.
I pull away from your embrace as the train rolls in
The horn blasts, cutting the tension in the air.

You cautiously hand me my bags
Fingers shake from the chill and the nerves.
I look at you, naïve beauty scrawled across your face.

I lie with a glance that says “I’ll be back soon”
You believe it’s genuine
I kiss you on the cheek
You ruffle my long curls.

Climb the steps to the train.
“don’t look back, it’s too hard”
I repeat this to myself.
the conductor hollers.

The cabin of the train is warm, bathed in florescent lighting.
I take my seat, my bags beside me.

I look. See you out the window.
You hold one hand up, smile.
I rest my head against the glass, it fogs with my breath.
the train begins to move
You chase it.
I look at you, those damn tears come back.

I look back at you when you can’t run anymore
Your expression changes to loss
Regret.
Sadness.
Pain.
Realization.
“she won’t be coming back.”

The towns zip by
Bells ring, people bustle
I close my eyes
Your face is all I can see.
I feel dead, numb.
Cut, frozen
I’m sorry.
I Won't be seeing you.

stupid, stupid girl.

Shaken.
Up too late, nostalgic.
I miss us.
I miss when you would call me
Make plans, spontaneity.

But now, all is worked into a schedule.
Things conflict. Times crunch
I miss you.
You don’t seem to miss me.

I’m leaving soon.
You don’t seem to understand.
I wish you’d call me to make plans
You know I hate asking.
It makes me feel weak
Hopeless
Desperate.

I wish we had time.
Time to laugh, time to smile.
I get one day of you, then it’s gone.
A certain block of time.
Clock in, clock out.

We’re going through the motions
Until I have to leave.

Doing lines of dust and sweat off of last night's stage

Lists.

why not?

things I need to do tomorrow
-Call Copper Beech
-Go to work
-Call Victoria's Secret
-Buy cough drops
-take a nap
-student loan app
-HARRY POTTER

things on my mind

-I hope this all works out.
-shit, I miss you, alot.
-I need a new book to read.
-I really hope I feel better in the morning.
-I'm so god damn pessemistic.
-Does anyone actually read this blog?

favorite things at the moment.
-owls
-iced coffee
-sundresses
-breezy summer days
-late night driving with Bethany
-Nothing Personal
straight hair


playlist

tell me why-taylor swift
sick little games-all time low
attention-the academy is...
use somebody-kings of leon
mirrors-envy on the coast
27-fall out boy

We were both young when I first saw you.

So...
I had an interesting day yesterday. I worked for 6 hours, and it was so slow. seriously, i think i rang up about 10 people all day. I worked with the frightening lady in my department, she yelled at me alot because i didn't know where shirts went. i took my lunch at 4, got off at 6. at lunch i sat outside Whole foods and ate a lone piece of pizza in my own solitude. My head was killing, throat sore, I was exhausted. I came back to find my cash registers were down, and everyone who asked me to ring them up i had to ask them to go to dresses, and they'd get all salty. it was...not a grand day at work.

After work, Bethany and I went to Gus O'Connor's for dinner, then went and saw Transformers. it was amazing. then we drove around for a really long time, and just talked. it was alot of fun. Driving around with her is always fun, she's a wonderful individual. Last night was really clear and cool, so the stars and moon were out. We went driving on country roads (Frick Rd, Texter Rd, Mac Duff) so we could see them really well. It was a very good, very summery evening, I enjoyed it.

I slept in this morning, that was nice. I have to be at work at 8am tomorrow, blegh. I'm seeing Harry Potter tomorrow night! ah shit, the highlight of my life. I'm wicked excited.
I just hope I feel better. My throat is killing me...Oh well. I'll drink tea.

alright, I need to stop rambling and go get ready to hang out with Crystal.

<3

P.S.-Have I mentioned I love Taylor Swift?
Well, I do. That is all.

But you can’t change anyone, so put that smile behind your lack of effort, it’s the only thing that shows anyway.

this poem, has no title.

that is all.

There is no match to the silence.

It screams around me, the deafening calm.
Anxious bones, nervous eyes.
Words are seldom yet aggressive
Sparking the flame

The tension heats
The tempers rise
The truth needs to be unleashed.
Climax arrives in a conflict filled plot.

Finally, the disguised calm turns to screams.
hot tears flood.
Angry words, stares turn angry
Cuts, razor-like
Such a vicious tongue.
Violent, angry, venom.


Unleashed, blindfolded and flipped.
A nasty trick
pulled out of a magic black hat.
sinister smirk hidden under a pout.
Tables turn, the “victim” laughs.
The predator is attacked.
The fault is blamed,
Once again, he wins.

I'm sick and tired of your attitude, I'm feelin' like I don't know you.

So, this blog is now my baby. and mine alone. I'm excited to have full custody of this thing. It's been forever since I've written in journal form. I've been slacking when it comes to writing. I was busy with school and exams, then there was an epic hunt for a job, and now I am employed, so writing gets put on the back burner. Which sucks, because writing is my one true love in my life.

Anywho, not alot has been happening over these lazy summer days. I worked at Parisian all day today. My life now consists of selling over priced slacks to middle age women. Not bad, not thrilling.
I bought All Time Low's new album the other day. It's phenomenal. It's really different from So Wrong It's Right, but nevertheless, still All Time Low. Their writing style has matured, and it's exciting to hear the change. I'm wicked pumped to see them at Warped. Honestly, that's the prime reason I'm going to Warped Tour this year. (that and the Buzznet/Glamour Kills owl shirt)

not much else has been going on, so...maybe I'll post a poem of sorts. because, ya know...why not?

Casual Casualties.

My lip grows ruby from nervousness.
The anxiety grips my lungs.
You stand in front of me with worried eyes and tense ears.
A prisoner, this fight has turned you into a stranger.

You take my hand and take a deep breath.
Never fail to attempt to comfort and protect.
But now the person I need protection from is you.
Switch sides in this battle, enemy lines drawn.

But you only see yourself in the mirror.
This feeling of loss has become a habit.
These frugal attempts are just facades in a losing battle.
A fake exterior for outsiders, ourselves; struggling with our last breath.

But now, we can’t deny what is coming, I unweave my fingers from your grip.
My words become repetitive, worn;
You only listen until you catch your reflection‘s gaze.

You stop, stare, smile, wink.
Return to my doubtful expression.
“what were you saying?”
I’ve grown tired of this battleship game.
My lip has grown sore, the anxiety releases.
I sigh a breath of surrender
The last breath between us gives out.

You see past the disgust in my eyes
As a pretty blonde walks past.
I shrug, give you one last hug.
Hold you one last time.
This battle has been won, and the enemy has taken over
You’re the prisoner of war, boy
And I’ll never win if the captive embraces the surrender.


<3